Your next festive flash fiction treat comes from Val Portelli, also known by her pen name Voinks, who has written a funny take on the Twelve Days of Christmas song.
Twelve moany days of Christmas
‘A partridge? I’ve got fifteen people coming to Christmas lunch and you got me a partridge? Are you totally mad? It’s just as well I’ve already got a twenty-pound turkey, a joint of beef and something for the vegetarians.’
‘Two Turtle doves? Where do you think you’re going to keep them? Can you imagine the mess? There’ll be bird droppings everywhere. As if I haven’t got enough to do cleaning up every day.’
‘Three French Hens? I suppose they’ll be useful for the eggs, but you’ll have to build them a shed or something. I’m not having them wandering around ruining my roses.’
‘Are they supposed to be Colley birds? Blackbirds, that’s what they are. You know they’re the first ones to start singing. What with them and the thrushes and the robins, waking me up first thing in the morning singing their stupid heads off, it’s a wonder I ever manage to rest.’
‘Five Gold rings. At last you’re getting the idea. What do you mean I can only pick one of them?’
‘Six geese he brings me now. I suppose you’re thinking of digging up my lawn to build them a pond? Now if you’d given them to me on Christmas eve it would have saved me buying a turkey.’
‘Seven swans. You do realise they belong to the Queen? If anyone finds out you’ll end up in the tower, and good riddance too.’
‘Eight maids a milking. Where are we going to put them all? Anyway, I get all the milk from the supermarket. It lasts much longer in cartons, and the maids aren’t much use without a cow, are they? And no, I don’t want one of those either.’
‘Nine ladies dancing. What kind of a house do you think this is? I’m not having females prancing around my living room and that’s an end to it.’
‘Ten Lords a leaping. They’re all as bad as each other, these politicians. Only interested in themselves. Not a thought for us poor, hard-working women, slaving day in, day out to try and pay the bills. I’d like to see them manage on what you give me for housekeeping.’
‘Eleven pipers piping. Good grief. Whatever next? It’s bad enough having to listen to bagpipes on New Year’s Eve, never mind now when we’re already into January.’
‘What on earth is that din? Go and tell them to shut up, or I’ll report them to the council for noise pollution. George! Did you hear me George? Why are there thirteen of them? There should only be twelve.’
He’d hoped she would be happy with at least some of the presents he had bought her for Christmas, but he should have guessed she would find something to complain about.
Ever since he was a child George had always wanted to play the drums. Banging away happily as he followed the other twelve, he was pleased he had actually decided to treat himself for a change. Leaving the Bah Humbug way behind, he called out ‘Merry Christmas’ to the enthusiastic crowds cheering on the merry band.
About the author
The author’s pen name Voinks began many years ago. It started as a joke when a friend bought a holiday home abroad, then gradually spread through the family, so it was an obvious choice when her first book was published.
Despite receiving her first rejection letter aged nine from some lovely people at a well-known Women’s magazine, she continued writing intermittently until a freak accident left her housebound and going stir crazy.
To save her sanity she completed and had published her first full length novel. This was followed by a second traditionally published book before deciding self-publishing was the way to go. In between writing her longest novel to date at over 100,000 words, she publishes weekly stories for her Facebook author page and web site.
She writes in various genres, although her short stories normally include her trademark twist of ‘Quirky.’ From having too many hours in the day, she is now actively seeking out a planet with forty-eight-hour days, to have time to fit in all the stories waiting to be told.
She is always delighted to receive reviews, as they help pay for food for the Unicorns she breeds in her spare time.
Social media and book links
Spirit of Technology
Facebook author page